Strange words

I would just like to share two words with you that I find very strange. Oddly enough, they both have religious undertones to them.

#1. Genuflect.

#2. Catechism.

Toothpaste Tales 2

Well, flash forward from August 17, 2010 to February 14, 2011....I opened a new tube of toothpaste, which means a lot of reflection and time for a blog.

I actually am in a really positive spot right now. My reflections of the past are simply that-the past. Not a reflection of where I am now or where I am destined to be. My destiny is defined by my thoughts and my present actions; the past is merely a place to look on to learn from. There are many happy memories back there, and those I cherish and let fold me in their comfort instead of wallowing in sadness. I'm really happy with where I am, so to reflect is actually to figure out what I can embelish and manifest even more great things in an already pretty great life.

Simply put-life is never easy. And it never will be. This last tube of toothpaste took me through one of the lowest points I've been in for a very long time. What did that teach me though, that's the key to all of this. Making mistakes, or having unfortunate happenings "happen", and then picking yourself up and moving forward. Which is precisely what I've always done, am doing, and will continue to do.

After starting this last tube of toothpaste I got a promotion. I'm now settling into the position, learning it, applying things I already knew, and retaining things so I can excel. There are some nuances I would rather not have with this new position, but those people, I mean, those things (oops-a slip!) can only get better! And these next six months I only foresee advances and even better things career-wise.

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflection as to how much energy and time I've put towards my career and how that has paid off, and wondering if I simply neglected to put that same time and energy into my personal life and relationships (of the romantic nature). And I think the answer is that I have-I knew in order to succeed in my career I would have to work, and work hard, be diligent, stay focused, put in the time, etc. I always thought that love would just find me without having to ever work hard at it; when you know, you know, right? But, I realize, with that attitude, what am I attracting to myself? Well, I can answer that-the dopes I've dated in the past is what I've attracted to myself. So, with all of that being said, where do I start? How do I let myself be vulnerable enough to start focusing on myself and attracting the perfect person for me? Because that is also a truth-I've always been scared of getting rejected that I simply don't play the game. I've had moments where I've gotten past that, but nothing consistent enough to actually work through the hardships or pain to get to the pot of gold on the other side, that's for sure. So, I guess this section is a to be continued, as it is a reflection of future, and where I am going during this next tube.

Something else I'm really looking forward to is seeing where my health, weight, and self-esteem are at by the time this tube is finished. I started Weight Watchers four weeks ago and am amazed at the program and how motivated I am to create this lifestyle change. I've lost over eight pounds since starting, and I was actually yelled at by my online tracking tool for losing weight too rapidly! I thought that was kind of funny...apparently I need to consult my doctor and pay a $20 copay to tell me that I'm finally getting healthy and am in a good spot spirtually and mentally, and that because of it I'm losing weight and getting healthy physically as well. The difference this time? I'm applying the WW principles (and channeling Jennifer Hudson all the while) to my life, making the necessary changes, and seeing the results. These results are because of a lifestyle change I made, not a diet.

By the time this tube is over I'll be 31; I'll have gone to Cancun, San Francisco, Istanbul, and possibly Cape Cod (depending on how often I brush the old chompers, that is). How exciting! By the time the tube is over I could have fallen madly in love, lost 50 pounds, paid off my car, and gotten another promotion! That's truly the beauty of it-the possibilities of life are endless! Dream bigger! Aim higher! Life is hard, yes, but it is also full of abundance, and that's what I focus my energies on!

Stay cool, and remember-dental hygiene is no joke. Brush and floss daily.

The End is in Sight

I don't mean to be a Scrooge..but I'm really glad this year is almost over. It's been a tough one, but I think I've managed to get through it with some good memories, and still in one piece.

I'm still not done with my toothpaste tube, but I have been doing a lot of reflection these last couple of weeks. I think back to August when I started it and all that has changed, and I can only imagine what the next couple of months will bring. Thank Goodness I didn't put that toothpaste in my checked luggage when I went to Dubai, right? Phew!

But, in all seriousness, last Christmas was a nice one, but there are a lot of negative feelings and energy attached to it that I really struggled to let go of this year. I never really felt in the Christmas spirit until about a week ago, but that could be partly due to my work trip taking up two weeks of the Christmas holiday. I'll be so thankful once New Years is over, and the last of the monumental moments from last year will be over, and hopefully the memories replaced. I no longer will have to remember being in love with an alcoholic who didn't want to, but always inevitably did, ruin every occasion that could include alcohol in any form. And hopefully they're replaced with wonderful and supportive family and friends who offer unconditional love and support and made the holidays such a wonderful time! The funny thing is, I thought I had moved past everything that happened with Scott, but I realize that I didn't fully go through all the steps that I needed to. It must have been laying dormant, waiting for the holidays to happen so I can complete this break-up properly :)

I'm looking forward to 2011; I usually have very good odd years and usually just okay even years. My aunt thought that was stupid, but I don't really care. I want to change my perception of even and odd years, but I don't think the patterns I've noticed could in any way or should in any way be described as stupid or silly. I could go through the last ten years of my life and show what I mean, but what's the point? I'm trying to change the way I view my life anyways, so it would be pointless. Ha!

To give an update: I have started a new position at work. I'm still feeling it out, as it comes with a lot of change. But, it did take me to Dubai and is taking me all over the world in the upcoming year. Not all of these are confirmed, but it looks like I might go to the following or have a chance to go to the following in 2011: Cancun, San Francisco, Istanbul, Denver, India. So, it should be an exciting year of travel. Here is hoping my luggage never gets lost again though. That whole ordeal is still not over, and I still have not recovered my luggage.

I have kind of let myself go over the last few months. I now see why or how I let that happen, and I am reversing my old habits and negative thoughts with positive ones. I'm in a wedding this summer, and that will be a good timeframe to set a goal for myself, so I'm excited to get started on concentrating more on myself. I "dated" myself for a month, which was a nice change of pace for a while, to not be able to "Facebook stalk" or think or dwell about anyone from the past. It's funny how you really have to train yourself to not get lost in thought sometime. Well, at least it's funny to someone like me who can get caught up in my own mind for long stretches at a time.

That's about all I know. I just wanted to write a quick blog to see what I deemed important enough to talk about :) Ha! Cheers and salud to 2010 and Woo hoo! to 2011!

My Life as I see It

Life can be such a crazy tornado can't it? That's kind of how I have been looking at it lately. I look up to the skies often and just envision a tornado (a safe one albeit) that is always working in my favor. A perfect storm of of possibilities, growth, love, and happiness. That may be some, but I firmly believe that if you ask without any strings attached, believe that you can achieve anything you desire, that you will receive. And I do this on a regular basis. I ask for many things each and every day, and now I just patiently believe that they are happening for me, in my own personal tornado, for me to receive when the Universe feels it is right for me.

So, in the interim between my asking and receiving-what to do, what to do...I realize I don't have many habits, but what I really like are working on projects with friends. I like doing favors and helping. Is that a hobby, because really I just wait until someone needs something or asks me to be a Maid of Honor...which has only happened twice. I'm trying my best to be patient. To some I may seem extremely inpatient, and in some cases I am, but really-if I know something is going to happen, I am the most patient person on earth. It's the figuring out the lessons I'm supposed to learn in the meantime that I need to really start concentrating on.

I am constantly living in my head, which isn't always a fun place to be in. I wax and wane on my own abilities and what I feel I deserve. But, believing in the Universe and my tornado helps me. I struggle with so many negative thoughts, and then when I see something magical happen for me I realize that I truly can earn and deserve anything I put my mind to. It's so crazy to see things happen: like my recent promotion at work. Until June of this year I always thought I was mediocre and really just doing the motions with a little bit of ability behind it. Then I was dealing with a hotel that kept dropping the ball and screwing up the simplest things that I realized, hey, maybe I am good at this. Through that so many positive things were put into motion. I received a promotion that only helped with my confidence, and I feel myself learning and growing so much every day, while still understanding that I am in fact skilled and deserved the promotion.

I am am not attempting to do that with other facets in my life. For the month of November I'm dating myself. I don't do enough for myself, and am constantly just waiting to lose weight, waiting for good things to happen, etc. Well-if I apply the principles with my job to my personal life, I can see amazing results and quickly. Which I'm fully intending to do. By dating myself I am trying to treat myself to things I deem important in a relationship, I'm just playing both sides. I'm finding joy in the little things-always preparing my lunches the night before so I'm not rushed in the morning, relaxing at night with some journaling. I'm thinking about trying meditation next, to really get the positive thoughts rolling. I've also been concentrating on my diet and exercise, so I find myself beautiful and attractive. By shining the light on myself instead of others, or even just one person, I hope to show myself and the Universe exactly what I deserve to be treated like. So far "we" have not done much but I'm hoping to go to a movie this weekend :) (which, sidenote, is so far outside of my comfort zone it terrifies me but I'm also excited to actually do it)

I'm not sure if this post makes sense. There will be no rhetorical questions-I know I can do this, and I'm enjoying my life right now. 30, Flirty, and Thriving. Okay-that's not entirely true. I'm awful at flirting. But, I am 30.

The Toothpaste Tales

I have this tendency to do a lot of reflecting when I am finished with a tube of toothpaste. A tube of toothpaste generally lasts about six months, which is a good check point for me personally. Where was I six months ago? What surprises happened? Where was I lacking? Was there anything I could have done differently? All sorts of questions to ask myself, and it can be quite eye opening.

Today is such a day-I dated my current tube as 3/28/2010. So, a little shy of five months. And what a five months it's been. Where to begin? What do I want to even not mention? Sheesh!

If we go back to March, it takes me to a time of feeling stagnant, of feeling unsure, frustrated, and a bit overwhelmed. At that time I had just turned 30, and had just started talking to Scott again. He would occasionally drink, and I was so frustrated by his inability to just committ to being sober and to committ to being with me. The weather wasn't getting any nicer, I wasn't taking care of myself again, and I think that period was just blah, blah, blah.

Some major events happened during this tube: I moved, my sister and her husband moved, my aunt moved...all within three weeks of each other. It seemed that this moving took up a month of my life, which I found very frustrating. My aunt was downsizing from a house to an apartment, and it wasn't an easy process to be a part or even watch, for that matter. A lot of memories and emotions were stirred during that time.

This tube of toothpaste also went with me to Mexico! Viva! Mexico was a turning point for me, personally. It was a much needed getaway, and also the first time I saw Scott after a very bad drunken episode that landed him in the hospital and in outpatient treatment for alcoholism. It reunited me with my best friend and showed me that he can do it-he can be sober and still have fun and be fun to be around.

After we got back from Mexico it was hard to stay away from Scott. The next two months were spent together on the weekends, either moving me, my sister, or someone else (or so it seemed), or just spending time together and being best friends. I truly felt happy and positive about our future together, and felt that our communication and openness about all that had happened was laying such a solid foundation. If we can get through this, what can't we get through?

The last phase that this tube got me through was July; July was pretty hard month for me. I was working extremely long days in preparation for the annual meeting that I plan. That and social factors, I was really struggling with what to do with life. I was tired and cranky, and didn't want to think about anything but work. But, here was this personal life (ie Scott) staring me in the face and I had to make some decisions about what to really do with the situation in front of me. He made 90 days sober, things were going well, and I was ready to have the conversation about really getting back together and really giving this a go.

Unfortunately, and this is very hard for me to talk about, the alcoholism got the best of Scott while I was in Denver. I figured out he was drinking, and he admitted that he didn't just drink once, but continued to drink. He then decided to issue me an ultimatum; accept his imperfections or forever keep my peace. It wasn't a hard decision once I broke it down to what was really important in my life. And what's really important is that I never support Scott drinking and that I love and respect myself. I have not really spoken to him since.

I'm actually in a really good place for losing one of my favorite people in this whole world to alcohol. I have to realize that he didn't purposefully choose alcohol over me, and that he is just very sick right now. And while I have all but closed the door on having him in my life as I can no longer live my life hoping and waiting on something that may never be. That's definitely not fair to me. I am just concentrating on what it means to close the door on this chapter in my life. I learned a lot of great lessons, and got to learn a lot about myself. I am worth it. And by that I mean, I deserve the very best in life, always. And I deserve to be picky and I deserve to be able to say "no" if someone or something isn't fitting into what I picture for my future. Not to say I am not malleable; I can adapt to a lot of different things. But, I cannot and will not adapt to Scott's addiction. By closing this door, I'm opening up many more, which is exciting.

Now I'm taking the time to love myself and take care of myself. There are a lot of exciting things going on right now that are showing me and telling me that I am moving in the right direction, which is unfortunately away from Scott. But, there is never suffering without reward at the end. And I know that I will be rewarded in some way for all of the love and support I unconditionally gave to Scott for a very long time. Probably much longer than anyone outside of his family had ever given him.

So, as you can see, these last five months were definitely worth reflecting on. So many things happened, so many lessons learned. So many ups and downs. Now I begin to project to the next 5-6 months. What could possibly happen? The possibilities are literally endless. I coudl lose 50 lbs. I could get a new job. I could take the trip of a lifetime. While I can be a bit inpatient at times, for once, I'm trying to slow myself down and enjoy the unknown, because who knows how long I'll be in this exact same spot I am right now. Young, vibrant, carefree and with an infinite amount of possibilities. It can literally change in the blink of an eye, in one chance meeting, or one wrong turn.

I will open up my next Crest Whitening toothpaste tomorrow...let's hope it's a good one!

PS I also quit smoking and am down to about four a day during the week. The weekends are their own beast I'm trying to tame! Woot!

Wanna work out?

This week was a bit different for me. The weight loss challenge ended, and I always go a little nutso, especially since I've been on a diet of some sort for the last three months straight. Starting last Thursday I ate pizza, and then moved into nachos, french fries, wings, and beer on Friday while seeing Loni Love's show in Schaumburg. On Saturday it was all about saganaki (fried greek cheese), prime rib dinner, more nachos, calamari, and a malt. Sunday I managed to restrain myself (yeah right) and ate Cheez Its, M&Ms, taco bell (although there was no sour cream so I made like a baby and threw my taco down and refused to eat it), and a french dip sandwich with french fries. So, just eyeballing those calories, it seemed like I should have had a BIG gain. But, alas, getting back onto the horse first thing Monday prevented that, and thanks to Nutrisystem, I didn't have a gain. I've been putting in some great workouts this week, and while Easter is on Sunday, I don't plan on going too nutso because I have to weigh myself on Monday. Zoinks!

I much prefer routine; if I have a few days off from work I always get a little anxious because I know I won't get my 80 oz of water in, probably won't eat all of my fruits and veggies for the day, and that makes me nervous. The routine I get in during the week is my savior-if it weren't work my job I think I would be well over 200 pounds. Not. Cool. The routine of working out twice after work is also helping me-at 4:30 my friend Kathy and I go to the Deuce to use their gym. After that, I go home and do a Biggest Loser workout video with my aunt. I'm burning probably close to 600 calories or more (I have no idea how many the workout videos are burning), and I feel accomplished and wonderful by the time I'm off to hit the sheets. The next morning I may not always feel so wonderful...these old bones are aching something fierce these last two days. Well, not so much my bones, but my glutus maximus.

So many things have turned into motivation for me lately-the weather (finally) turning nicer, the thought of going to Mexico in seven weeks, a babies laughter, the kittens soft fur..it all adds up to me wanting to do this, for me and me alone, and actually following it through. You see-I've followed it through before and have loved the results. But, then life gets in the way, old habits reform, and then I don't care so much about myself anymore. I'm learning about these cycles I create in my life, and I'm also learning triggers and how to stop them. I much prefer hummus to spinach artichoke dip (is what I'm telling myself), and I prefer a vegetable wrap to a burger (let's see if I can get that one to stick....). I just have to realize that I am not like everyone else-I am me, and I have my own challenges and issues that are unique to me, and if I own them, I can have a happy life. I have many reasons to be extremely grateful, which I am, but this is the one challenge that keeps alluding me, and I would like to win it once and for all. If I never lost another pound, would I be happy with myself for the rest of my life? Probably at times I would; like anyone else I have good days and I have bad days. But, I have the power to change that, and instead of complaining about it, I'm actually doing something about it, which feels great.

All right, it's Good Friday, I'm rambling, and need to get some work done. Eat and be merry this weekend, folks :)

A day late, and a dollar short

Sorry about the lack of an update last week, as per our written agreement (well-I said I was going to blog weekly and then didn't do it, that was the written agreeement...). No one probably noticed or went racing to their computers last week, but I feel bad nonetheless.

The last week has been a rough one for me-I got sick. And when I'm sick, dieting and exercise are the last things on my mind, unfortunately. I all but dropped doing Nutrisystem last week, which is fine, but I was able to stay on track and not really overdo it. I ate a lot of soup and salads, or just didn't eat at all on the days that I was super sick. The sickness is lingering, but I feel much better during the day and now it's just the dry, unproductive coughing that keeps me up half the night that is keeping me down.

The one bad thing about not really caring about my diet for the last week was the fact that if I had just been able to drop a pound or two I could have won $100! GRRR! I came in third place in my weight loss challenge, all because I didn't have a loss. I didn't have a gain, but without having a loss, I wasn't able to keep my second place spot. I guess I can't really dwell on that, and by the end of the week last week I was getting some really good workouts in. It felt great! I was running more than I have in the past, and the sweat pouring down my face felt amazing.

As a side note, I also saw a sneak peek of "Hot Tub Time Machine" this week. That movie was just okay, but the parts that were funny were HIGH-LARIOUS! I think they could have done a lot better job, especially with the 80's references, but overall, if there is nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon, pop this one in for a few laughs.

That's about all I've got folks-it's way too early to be blogging, but I wanted to be sure to apologize and explain myself before it got to be two weeks, and then three, and then four...and then all of a sudden I am skinny with no explanation whatsoever, because people were hoping to take this joyous weight loss journey with me via my blog. Can't let that happen now, can we? Teehee.

Peace out.