The Toothpaste Tales

I have this tendency to do a lot of reflecting when I am finished with a tube of toothpaste. A tube of toothpaste generally lasts about six months, which is a good check point for me personally. Where was I six months ago? What surprises happened? Where was I lacking? Was there anything I could have done differently? All sorts of questions to ask myself, and it can be quite eye opening.

Today is such a day-I dated my current tube as 3/28/2010. So, a little shy of five months. And what a five months it's been. Where to begin? What do I want to even not mention? Sheesh!

If we go back to March, it takes me to a time of feeling stagnant, of feeling unsure, frustrated, and a bit overwhelmed. At that time I had just turned 30, and had just started talking to Scott again. He would occasionally drink, and I was so frustrated by his inability to just committ to being sober and to committ to being with me. The weather wasn't getting any nicer, I wasn't taking care of myself again, and I think that period was just blah, blah, blah.

Some major events happened during this tube: I moved, my sister and her husband moved, my aunt moved...all within three weeks of each other. It seemed that this moving took up a month of my life, which I found very frustrating. My aunt was downsizing from a house to an apartment, and it wasn't an easy process to be a part or even watch, for that matter. A lot of memories and emotions were stirred during that time.

This tube of toothpaste also went with me to Mexico! Viva! Mexico was a turning point for me, personally. It was a much needed getaway, and also the first time I saw Scott after a very bad drunken episode that landed him in the hospital and in outpatient treatment for alcoholism. It reunited me with my best friend and showed me that he can do it-he can be sober and still have fun and be fun to be around.

After we got back from Mexico it was hard to stay away from Scott. The next two months were spent together on the weekends, either moving me, my sister, or someone else (or so it seemed), or just spending time together and being best friends. I truly felt happy and positive about our future together, and felt that our communication and openness about all that had happened was laying such a solid foundation. If we can get through this, what can't we get through?

The last phase that this tube got me through was July; July was pretty hard month for me. I was working extremely long days in preparation for the annual meeting that I plan. That and social factors, I was really struggling with what to do with life. I was tired and cranky, and didn't want to think about anything but work. But, here was this personal life (ie Scott) staring me in the face and I had to make some decisions about what to really do with the situation in front of me. He made 90 days sober, things were going well, and I was ready to have the conversation about really getting back together and really giving this a go.

Unfortunately, and this is very hard for me to talk about, the alcoholism got the best of Scott while I was in Denver. I figured out he was drinking, and he admitted that he didn't just drink once, but continued to drink. He then decided to issue me an ultimatum; accept his imperfections or forever keep my peace. It wasn't a hard decision once I broke it down to what was really important in my life. And what's really important is that I never support Scott drinking and that I love and respect myself. I have not really spoken to him since.

I'm actually in a really good place for losing one of my favorite people in this whole world to alcohol. I have to realize that he didn't purposefully choose alcohol over me, and that he is just very sick right now. And while I have all but closed the door on having him in my life as I can no longer live my life hoping and waiting on something that may never be. That's definitely not fair to me. I am just concentrating on what it means to close the door on this chapter in my life. I learned a lot of great lessons, and got to learn a lot about myself. I am worth it. And by that I mean, I deserve the very best in life, always. And I deserve to be picky and I deserve to be able to say "no" if someone or something isn't fitting into what I picture for my future. Not to say I am not malleable; I can adapt to a lot of different things. But, I cannot and will not adapt to Scott's addiction. By closing this door, I'm opening up many more, which is exciting.

Now I'm taking the time to love myself and take care of myself. There are a lot of exciting things going on right now that are showing me and telling me that I am moving in the right direction, which is unfortunately away from Scott. But, there is never suffering without reward at the end. And I know that I will be rewarded in some way for all of the love and support I unconditionally gave to Scott for a very long time. Probably much longer than anyone outside of his family had ever given him.

So, as you can see, these last five months were definitely worth reflecting on. So many things happened, so many lessons learned. So many ups and downs. Now I begin to project to the next 5-6 months. What could possibly happen? The possibilities are literally endless. I coudl lose 50 lbs. I could get a new job. I could take the trip of a lifetime. While I can be a bit inpatient at times, for once, I'm trying to slow myself down and enjoy the unknown, because who knows how long I'll be in this exact same spot I am right now. Young, vibrant, carefree and with an infinite amount of possibilities. It can literally change in the blink of an eye, in one chance meeting, or one wrong turn.

I will open up my next Crest Whitening toothpaste tomorrow...let's hope it's a good one!

PS I also quit smoking and am down to about four a day during the week. The weekends are their own beast I'm trying to tame! Woot!